I'll Still Love You More Tomorrow
by highway-salvation
Summary: Ryan's first time visiting Dean's gravesite after he is killed in Season 3.


Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I do not own Supernatural. Nor do I own the song "In Loving Memory" by Alter Bridge. I do, however, own Ryan Singer, the character in this fic.

**_Title_**: "I'll Still Love You More Tomorrow"  
_**Song**_: "In Memory" by Alter Bridge  
_**Characters**_: Ryan (OC)  
_**Rating**_: K

**_Thanks for all you've done  
I've missed you for so long  
I can't believe you're gone  
__You still live in me_**_  
**I feel you in the wind  
You guide me constantly**_

There wasn't a tombstone. There wasn't a monument erected in his name. There'd never be any kind of award or street named after him for all of the good he'd done, for all the lives he'd saved. He was just gone. And she was left to pick up the pieces. How was it even possible? How was her heart even beating, when his would never be able to again? She'd let herself lose control, let the demon inside of her clasp onto her soul and kill the only man she'd ever loved. And now... the demon was dormant, Sam wasn't speaking to her, and Dean was gone. Dead. Buried. No matter which way she looked at it, she was completely alone. But hell, after what she'd done--she deserved to be isolated.

The loud tap of her boots against the pavement echoed the hard thump sounding within in her ribcage. She shouldn't have come. She didn't deserve the right to say goodbye to him. After all, she was the one that put him the ground. In her head, she knew that it was wrong. Stupid. If he could really see her, if he could talk back to her, he'd laugh with disgust at what a failure she'd let herself become. But in her heart, she knew that there were certain things that needed to be said. And for the first time since he died, she followed her natural instinct instead of relying on logic.

_**I've never knew what it was to be alone, no  
Cause you were always there for me  
You were always there waiting  
And now I come home and I miss your face  
Smiling down on me  
I close my eyes to see**_

At the sight of the makeshift cross that marked his gravesite, she fell to her knees. Everything sorrounding her was silenced, and every thought in her head was brought to an abrupt hault. In that moment, there was only him. The hard lines of his face, the calloused, rough skin of his hands, the way he always smelled like a mix of sweat, cologne and leather. Tears glazed over her eyes, knowing that she might not ever be able to rest her head against his chest and smell that smell again, the smell that would only ever be found on Dean. _Her_ Dean. He was gone--buried six feet underneath her.

_**And I know, you're a part of me**__  
**And it's your song that sets me free  
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on  
I sing tonight cause it comforts me**_

She repositioned herself, now criss-crossing her legs with her elbows resting against her knees. There were so many words, so many different versions of apologies that she'd rehearsed, and yet, she was completely speechless. She cleared her throat, slowly lifted her head to give the cross another glance, and then knew exactly what to say.

"Are you disapponited in me?" she whispered, blinking away a few tears in the process.

"Do you hate me? Are you angry with me? Could you ever look at me the same after what I did to you?" she paused, and took a few deep breaths before continuing.

"I have so many of these questions, Dean. So many questions that will never get an answer. You always told me that I was stronger than her. You always told me that I could beat her, I just had to look in your eyes and I'd come back--" Her face fell into her hands, her sobs muffled. But she regained composure. There was a reason she'd come, and it wasn't to breakdown.

"But I failed. I failed you... I failed Sam... I failed my dad... the way they look at me Dean--you'd think that she was still there, making me all black-eyed and snarly. They look at me like I'm a murderer. And I am..." she bit her lip.

"I killed you!" her volume raised higher, and for the first time, she could hear her voice over her heartbeat.

"How could I do that? How could I let that happen? We knew it was what she wanted, and I let it happen! I let her take control... and I let her take you away from me. The one god-damn thing in this world that ever mattered... and she did away with you like flicking a fly off of her shoulder," she continued, her voice laced with agony.

"I'm sorry. I know you probably can't hear me, and I know even if you could, you probably wouldn't want to. But know this: I love you--no matter what. No matter what's lingering in the pits of my soul that wants me to hate you--I love you. And I'm gonna find a way to bring you back," she finished, whiping the last of her tears away.

She stood, and took a few steps toward the car. But as she rubbed the protective amulet that hung loosely around her neck, she turned back to look at the cross again.

"You're gonna be okay again, Dean. I promise."

_**I'll still love you more tomorrow  
And you will be here with me still.**_


End file.
